I died last week
Posted by Tarasha Hale at 8:44 AM
I've been wanting to write for a few days now. But I have to warn you all to bare with all the errors. I have nerve damage in my arm/hand/neck and shoulder. so typing is weird. This post will probably change your whole view of me. And I'm actually ok with that! i'm with the fact that i will be labeled an addict. b/c thats what i really am.
Last tuesday...yes a week ago today i went to buy dope. Heroin. I spent bought 90 bucks on some bad stuff. I had just met the couple i bought it off of, gave them some for doing me the solid. well we go back to the bathroom to do it and I was in too much of a hurry to check and see how much i was doing....I had to do it fast bc i wanted to feel differently. i remember sticking the needle in my arm and untying the belt and waiting for it to hit. the guy said "dont fall out" which meant dont overdose. well once it hit everything went black. I had officially overdosed and the couple took my stuff and left me for dead.
I remember dreaming of my whole life, the good times were the ones i remember clinging onto most. My parents together happy and laughing in Georgia in 2008. My current boyfriend and how happy i am currently with my relationship. I clung to those a lot too, just remembering being in his arms. my nieces and nephews and the joy they bring to my life.
I remembered bad times too the beatings the rapes the pain i've endured. mentally and physically and then i also remember it being black. empty with nothing and no one around.
I woke up Wednesday on a ventilator- which means i wasn't breathing on my own. I was restrained. I was ALONE. i had a feeding tube down my nose. i was damn lucky to be alive. i fought tried to get them to call my sister. that took hours to convey. them ripping those tubes out of your mouth and nose is harsh. I was told i'm lucky to be alive. damn straight i fought for hours to keep my life. i wasn't gonna die and stay dead for long. i have a hell of a lot of living left to do. i refuse to sink now. most of all I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF IN ANY POSITION THAT I COULD DIE AGAIN. so i'm going to be going to rehab. get my shit together.
this is whats going on with me now...i have cracked ribs on my right side from CPR. i have nerve damage on my left side...from my ear to the tips of my fingers. my kidneys are bruised. mentally i was freaking out yesterday,,.you see those ppl took my cell phone. so i had no way to contact Ron my bf. so he hadn't heard from me for days. i was worried that this woulda been the thing that would make him walk away. but i was brave and walked over here last night knocked on the door and was told to come in. taking a deep breath i walked in and there he was. i told him what happened. and all that. that took being brave to tell the one person your hiding the most from to just come clean and say i'm this way but look i'm workin on improving myself. i honestly don't know what will become of my life but i know one thing....i'ma FIGHTER. I AM STRONG. it took me dying to have something to live for....myself. my family and last but not least LOVE.
Last tuesday...yes a week ago today i went to buy dope. Heroin. I spent bought 90 bucks on some bad stuff. I had just met the couple i bought it off of, gave them some for doing me the solid. well we go back to the bathroom to do it and I was in too much of a hurry to check and see how much i was doing....I had to do it fast bc i wanted to feel differently. i remember sticking the needle in my arm and untying the belt and waiting for it to hit. the guy said "dont fall out" which meant dont overdose. well once it hit everything went black. I had officially overdosed and the couple took my stuff and left me for dead.
I remember dreaming of my whole life, the good times were the ones i remember clinging onto most. My parents together happy and laughing in Georgia in 2008. My current boyfriend and how happy i am currently with my relationship. I clung to those a lot too, just remembering being in his arms. my nieces and nephews and the joy they bring to my life.
I remembered bad times too the beatings the rapes the pain i've endured. mentally and physically and then i also remember it being black. empty with nothing and no one around.
I woke up Wednesday on a ventilator- which means i wasn't breathing on my own. I was restrained. I was ALONE. i had a feeding tube down my nose. i was damn lucky to be alive. i fought tried to get them to call my sister. that took hours to convey. them ripping those tubes out of your mouth and nose is harsh. I was told i'm lucky to be alive. damn straight i fought for hours to keep my life. i wasn't gonna die and stay dead for long. i have a hell of a lot of living left to do. i refuse to sink now. most of all I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF IN ANY POSITION THAT I COULD DIE AGAIN. so i'm going to be going to rehab. get my shit together.
this is whats going on with me now...i have cracked ribs on my right side from CPR. i have nerve damage on my left side...from my ear to the tips of my fingers. my kidneys are bruised. mentally i was freaking out yesterday,,.you see those ppl took my cell phone. so i had no way to contact Ron my bf. so he hadn't heard from me for days. i was worried that this woulda been the thing that would make him walk away. but i was brave and walked over here last night knocked on the door and was told to come in. taking a deep breath i walked in and there he was. i told him what happened. and all that. that took being brave to tell the one person your hiding the most from to just come clean and say i'm this way but look i'm workin on improving myself. i honestly don't know what will become of my life but i know one thing....i'ma FIGHTER. I AM STRONG. it took me dying to have something to live for....myself. my family and last but not least LOVE.
