As for my love life...
On Easter sunday I went to see my father and an inmate worker kept staring at me. THE ENTIRE TIME. Well I couldn't keep my eyes off of him either. There was just something about him that attracted me to him. A few minutes before it was time to go I asked the CO if i could get another inmates info so I could write him...well Ellis was standing right in front of the CO. When the CO asked me who it was and I said the cute guy in front of you. Ellis said DAMN THATS BOLD. I only said "Ain't no shame in my game" and walked away. Didn't even ask him for his info. A few SECONDS later he handed me his info. I have never been so bold in my life. But something made me go out of the way to get his info. I felt as if I would have regretted not getting his info. Something that made me find my soulmate.
I looked him up and saw his charges which didn't bother me at all. When they probably should have. I put him on my Jpay (inmate email) list and then I went to do my time. I wrote him while I was in there. I kept thinking of him. I couldn't help it. There was something i could feel even when i was away from him and barely knew him.
The day after I got out I went to visit my father and Ellis was working again. I wore a shirt that said Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking. I had everyone staring at me. Ellis made sure he told me the shirt was true. We stood in the photo area talking. I thanked him for the letter and photo. It really helped my time go by. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other the entire time again...there was just something there. And he was always smiling when he looked at me! When i'm near him i get these feelings that i've never felt before. for anyone...Nothing has ever felt like this and honestly its scary. When he gave my family their photos he stood and talked to us all. My mother gave him her phone number and told him to call me whenever he wanted. Which shocked the hell outta me! They don't really like me liking or talking to someone of a different color. But it seemed like it wasn't an issue. Seemed like he was shocked too by her gesture. But he added it to his list and called me. All the time. Which i hate talking on the phone but with him its so easy and i don't have to force conversation. I never have to worry about being judged. And he seems to know when something is on my mind or something is wrong. Its that connection that we have.
We email all day everyday. At first it was just to have someone to talk to.
He is completely honest with me and i'm completely honest with him. Which is new for me! At least to be that unguarded with someone is new for me. I have told him things i've never told anyone in my life. He doesn't judge me. He truly treats me like a woman should be treated. He has been a great friend.
Have you ever loved someone so much that just that love makes you want to be a better person? Thats how it is with Ellis. Because I love him I want to be a better person. I want to be what he deserves! I now have something to go by when i'm living my life...What would Ellis do? Like i have struggled with medication abuse and now when i'm having thoughts of wanting to do anything I ask myself what would he do...and do that. When I'm talking to someone and i'm getting upset I ask myself what would he do...and do it. He has made me a better person all around. Somewhere along this journey he has went from a friend to someone i have deep unending love for....
And that was a problem. He didn't feel as if he could love someone or be IN love with someone. So he always said thank you. I had been emailing him telling him what love could be. and then one day he said he does have love for me. In a small way of his own. I felt like i cheated myself on that though. I felt as though maybe i was forcing something. So i stopped talking about love and all that. He noticed of course. We talked about that too. No subject is off that table when him and i talk. It could be about anything and we'll talk about it. Ellis has even said i could talk to him about female problems. He said he didn't think he could be IN love with me but that yes in fact he does love me and cares for me. For a few days we kept trying to define our relationship. Seemed like we couldn't get it right. Because we are more than friends...we have this deep connection that no one else has. We are not friends with benefits or "special friends" and we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. So one day I saw a quote that said something about your soul mate doesn't have to be a romantic interest and when i shared that with him it took about a day before he started saying that he believed i was his soulmate. That just FIT PERFECTLY. it describes everything between us.
This past week has been hard. His friend that visited him last week got into an accident and he took that hard. Like it was his fault b/c his friend came to see him and got in a car accident on the way home. He was dealing with her a lot....yes her and no i'm not jealous at all. which is different from the old me....But anyways our messages haven't been as often as usual. And the calls seemed to stop. I have struggled since the calls stopped and all that. But i know he is going thru a lot. But i've been wanting to call him my boyfriend for so long...So i sent him an email and told him how i feel...what i wanted. He shot me down! not because he doesn't want the same thing...b/c he truly does...its just the fact he may never be free....he thought about me and didnt want me to hurt b/c i don't have him here. He believes that i deserve better than him. Which bothers me! I actually kinda yelled at him for that!
But here is some Messages that i've gotten from him ...to better explain the situation. I blanked out names or left out very personal parts.
Tarasha,
I have no doubt that you and me have something between us that will last. I am scared, but I am more scared of not losing you but of hurting you. I don't want to but I know I will. I say this because I never have been good with relationships. Even when I care. Truly I understand about the men you have been with before and being away from them but they all had something that I don't and that will be very hard for me to get. Freedom. I just don't know. I can't put you through that. Before you go on saying that it is your choice to choose whether you want to or not I say you are correct. You are correct but it is also my choice. It is very hard being in my life and you just being in it is hard. Now add all the obstacles and resentment your way because of ignorance even though I know it doesn't matter makes it even more difficult. I understand that anything worth something is never easy but as I know we will play a part in each others lives I don't want to be the cause of more stress than this situation is already causing. You are a good woman and regardless of your family's past you are still close. You all still even when you don't think it like with your brother are a family. Please do not hate me but I care for you Tarasha. I care for you more than I care for myself but I would not feel right for me to hold your life up waiting on me to MAYBE come home. Yes I know no matter what you feel about it. If you don't see it there you should already know I care for you way more. I never cared about how my situation would affect another but I do with you. I know I am going to hurt you but hopefully like I feel we will always be connected as I know we will. Please do not take yourself from my life. Please just understand that this is not a boundry but a logical choice not to set one but to realize the truth of what it takes to be in my life. I know you got it baby but I am not comfortable with having you make that sacrifice. I do care for you deeply and yes I do love you in my little way. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon. Oh with the _____ thing it was because I don't want you to be with anyone who would use you and jepordize not only your freedom but your life also. You deserve much better baby. Much better.
Tarasha,
Now I feel like shit. I feel like shit because I feel like I don't deserve a great woman who loves me cares for me and doesn't care if I ever walk out of here alive. You know baby you are that dream I have always dreamed. You are that beautiful soul I have always wanted. You are so much I have hoped and prayed for but baby the truth is that now that the time is here I look at myself and realize that I can't do that to you. I can't baby. I don't want to hurt you i don't but the truth is that I will. i will because I understand the pressures and stress that being with me causes. I understand the full total commitment one must take to be with me and that hurts me. It hurts me because that one , that one that is that truth deserves much better than the meager bits I can provide. No I am not talking about material things I am talking about the everyday things a man and a woman share. Sure there would be those times where things are special because they are not as often but all and all those times would become few and few as the fewer things became to routine. I rally am sorry but please don't hurt yourself because I can't get out of my own way with how I feel. I do love you and care for you and that won't change. I just am afraid of never being able to do for you all that I desire myself. All that I desire and all you also desire. Please baby when I say this is not an excuse but what has been hitting me each day I have gotten closer and closer to you. I still know the ab-soul-ute truth of you in my life and i do ab-soul-utly care for you and only want the best in all. I wouldn't be me if I didn't tell you the truth of how I feel. You are an amazing woman and before you speak that self but not amazing enough for me you are. It is just I feel that I am not good enough for you. You are a beautiful woman baby and I don't want you to end up doing this time with me also. This is my burden for my terrible life choices and i could never ask another to do it with me. I now know this. I learned this becoming to be in the begining stages of love with you. I can't do this to a woman I love. Please still talk to me and please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You are stronger than that and you know it.
I hope that we are still good. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to decide in my life. I really want the best for you and yes like you said in your one letter I am very protective of you. Even from my own self. I know that we will get over this hump because there stil is no doubt that you and I have a very important part in each others life. I will be writing you later but do wish I could call. I am trying to be respectful of everyone and I have hurt too many people I didn't want to as of late. Yes it is hard but my problems are still not as important than to see you smile somehow someway and to let you know that you aren't alone. That you still got me here for you when you need. me. This is all very new to me actuallly truly caring for another before myself and I am trying to go about it the way my heart speaks to me about it. Don't ever forget that I need you in my life too.
Respet and Honor and love,
Teddy Bear
How is it that he said he isn't capable of love...then he somehow loves me this way...Then tells me he has never been IN love. but today on the phone said he is in love with me. He did this to look out for me...I can only love this man more for what he has done for me. At first i thought it was wrong and it upset me. Then i've read and reread it and talked to him on the phone. I understand more now than anything.
Ellis is my world. I hope that one day he is free. but until then i'll tell anyone that my heart is taken. I cannot be with any other man b/c its not fair to another person that i cannot give my all to anyone but him.
I wrote this all yesterday (6/22) and I had sent him an email telling him I already considered him my boyfriend. And that we needed to compromise about the whole situation. He must have considered everything I've said b/c I'm now his girlfriend. I couldn't be more happier right now.
That connection we have is not like anything i've ever had with anyone and he hasn't had it with anyone else either. I know him and i are going to always be in each others lives. This will work out. I know it will b/c i love him and need him in my life. He has helped me with so much in my life already. I already see that he has improved my life and he'll continue to improve it just by being him.
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