Posted on july 14, 2015

I died last week

Posted by Tarasha Hale at 8:44 AM

I've been wanting to write for a few days now. But I have to warn you all to bare with all  the errors. I have nerve damage in my arm/hand/neck and shoulder. so typing is weird. This post will probably change your whole view of me. And I'm actually ok with that! i'm with the fact that i will be labeled an addict. b/c thats what i really am.
Last tuesday...yes a week ago today i went to buy dope. Heroin. I spent bought 90 bucks on some bad stuff. I had just met the couple i bought it off of, gave them some for doing me the solid. well we go back to the bathroom to do it and I was in too much of a hurry to check and see how much i was doing....I had to do it fast bc i wanted to feel differently. i remember sticking the needle in my arm and untying the belt and waiting for it to hit. the guy said "dont fall out" which meant dont overdose. well once it hit everything went black. I had officially overdosed and the couple took my stuff and left me for dead.
 I remember dreaming of my whole life, the good times were the ones i remember clinging onto most. My parents together happy and laughing in Georgia in 2008. My current boyfriend and how happy i am currently with my relationship. I clung to those a lot too, just remembering being in his arms. my nieces and nephews and the joy they bring to my life.
I remembered bad times too the beatings the rapes the pain i've endured. mentally and physically and then i also remember it being black. empty with nothing and no one around.
I woke up Wednesday on a ventilator- which means i wasn't breathing on my own. I was restrained. I was ALONE. i had a feeding tube down my nose.  i was damn lucky to be alive. i fought tried to get them to call my sister. that took hours to convey. them ripping those tubes out of your mouth and nose is harsh. I was told i'm lucky to be alive. damn straight i fought for hours to keep my life. i wasn't gonna die and stay dead for long. i have a hell of a lot of living left to do. i refuse to sink now. most of all I REFUSE TO PUT MYSELF IN ANY POSITION THAT I COULD DIE AGAIN. so i'm going to be going to rehab. get my shit together.
this is whats going on with me now...i have cracked ribs on my right side from CPR. i have nerve damage on my left side...from my ear to the tips of my fingers. my kidneys are bruised. mentally i was freaking out yesterday,,.you see those ppl took my cell phone. so i had no way to contact Ron my bf. so he hadn't heard from me for days. i was worried that this woulda been the thing that would make  him walk away. but i was brave and walked over here last night knocked on the door and was told to come in. taking a deep breath i walked in and there he was. i told him what happened. and all that. that took being brave to tell the one person your hiding the most from to just come clean and say i'm this way but look i'm workin on improving myself. i honestly don't know what will become of my life but i know one thing....i'ma FIGHTER. I AM STRONG. it took me dying to have something to live for....myself. my family and last but not least LOVE.

soooo

So yesterday my lyrica (which i havent taken in like a month) MESSED ME UP....i really couldnt walk or stand straight up. So i made these cupcakes while on lyrica and made a mess!!! i was gonna clean it when the cupcakes cooled but noooo Ron had to clean up the mess.
and he really told me that i cannot live here anymore. b/c of the lyrica.
i love him.
i dont wanna be without him.
he isn't ready for that....
so what the fuck do i do.....

My search for love

I've been looking at past blogs and noticed theres one thing i've been searching for since i left randy.
And thats love....
you may judge me for my posts...you may think this or that of me.
But i've always been in relationships that were serious. Some things just do not work out. I didn't know what i was searching for and how much my life has changed in this search. But i can say that i am happy with the path that i am on.
I can say i am happy with being with Ellis.
I never imagined what lies between him and i ever existed!
I am hoping to write more later and keep this blog updated!

My soulmate

Its funny how life goes...It really is! Let me just update this on my life since there seems to be so much going on...

As for my love life...
On Easter sunday I went to see my father and an inmate worker kept staring at me. THE ENTIRE TIME. Well I couldn't keep my eyes off of him either. There was just something about him that attracted me to him. A few minutes before it was time to go I asked the CO if i could get another inmates info so I could write him...well Ellis was standing right in front of the CO. When the CO asked me who it was and I said the cute guy in front of you. Ellis said DAMN THATS BOLD. I only said "Ain't no shame in my game" and walked away. Didn't even ask him for his info. A few SECONDS later he handed me his info. I have never been so bold in my life. But something made me go out of the way to get his info. I felt as if I would have regretted not getting his info. Something that made me find my soulmate.
I looked him up and saw his charges which didn't bother me at all. When they probably should have. I put him on my Jpay (inmate email) list and then I went to do my time. I wrote him while I was in there. I kept thinking of him. I couldn't help it. There was something i could feel even when i was away from him and barely knew him.
The day after I got out I went to visit my father and Ellis was working again. I wore a shirt that said Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking. I had everyone staring at me. Ellis made sure he told me the shirt was  true. We stood in the photo area talking. I thanked him for the letter and photo. It really helped my time go by. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other the entire time again...there was just something there. And he was always smiling when he looked at me! When i'm near him i get these feelings that i've never felt before. for anyone...Nothing has ever felt like this and honestly its scary. When he gave my family their photos he stood and talked to us all. My mother gave him her phone number and told him to call me whenever he wanted. Which shocked the hell outta me! They don't really like me liking or talking to someone of a different color. But it seemed like it wasn't an issue. Seemed like he was shocked too by her gesture. But he added it to his list and called me. All the time. Which i hate talking on the phone but with him its so easy and i don't have to force conversation. I never have to worry about being judged. And he seems to know when something is on my mind or something is wrong. Its that connection that we have.
 We email all day everyday. At first it was just to have someone to talk to.
He is completely honest with me and i'm completely honest with him. Which is new for me! At least to be that unguarded with someone is new for me. I have told him things i've never told anyone in my life. He doesn't judge me. He truly treats me like a woman should be treated. He has been a great friend.
Have you ever loved someone so much that just that love makes you want to be a better person? Thats how it is with Ellis. Because I love him I want to be a better person. I want to be what he deserves! I now have something to go by when i'm living my life...What would Ellis do? Like i have struggled with medication abuse and now when i'm having thoughts of wanting to do anything I ask myself what would he do...and do that. When I'm talking to someone and i'm getting upset I ask myself what would he do...and do it. He has made me a better person all around. Somewhere along this journey he has went from a friend to someone i have deep unending love for....
And that was a problem. He didn't feel as if he could love someone or be IN love with someone. So he always said thank you. I had been emailing him telling him what love could be. and  then one day he said he does have love for me. In a small way of his own. I felt like i cheated myself on that though. I felt as though maybe i was forcing something. So i stopped talking about love and all that. He noticed of course. We talked about that too. No subject is off that table when him and i talk. It could be about anything and we'll talk about it. Ellis has even said i could talk to him about female problems. He said he didn't think he could be IN love with me but that yes in fact he does love me and cares for me. For a few days we kept trying to define our relationship. Seemed like we couldn't get it right. Because we are more than friends...we have this deep connection that no one else has. We are not friends with benefits or "special friends" and we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. So one day I saw a quote that said something about your soul mate doesn't have to be a romantic interest and when i shared that with him it took about a day before he started saying that he believed i was his soulmate. That just FIT PERFECTLY. it describes everything between us.
This past week has been hard. His friend that visited him last week got into an accident and he took that hard. Like it was his fault b/c his friend came to see him and got in a car accident on the way home. He was dealing with her a lot....yes her and no i'm not jealous at all. which is different from the old me....But anyways our messages haven't been as often as usual. And the calls seemed to stop. I have struggled since the calls stopped and all that. But i know he is going thru a lot. But i've been wanting to call him my boyfriend for so long...So i sent him an email and told him how i feel...what i wanted. He shot me down! not because he doesn't want the same thing...b/c he truly does...its just the fact he may never be free....he thought about me and didnt want me to hurt b/c i don't have him here. He believes that i deserve better than him. Which bothers me! I actually kinda yelled at him for that!
But here is some Messages that i've gotten from him ...to better explain the situation. I blanked out names or left out very personal parts.
Tarasha,
I have no doubt that you and me have something between us that will last. I am scared, but I am more scared of not losing you but of hurting you. I don't want to but I know I will. I say this because I never have been good with relationships. Even when I care. Truly I understand about the men you have been with before and being away from them but they all had something that I don't and that will be very hard for me to get. Freedom. I just don't know. I can't put you through that. Before you go on saying that it is your choice to choose whether you want to or not I say you are correct. You are correct but it is also my choice. It is very hard being in my life and you just being in it is hard. Now add all the obstacles and resentment your way because of ignorance even though I know it doesn't matter makes it even more difficult. I understand that anything worth something is never easy but as I know we will play a part in each others lives I don't want to be the cause of more stress than this situation is already causing. You are a good woman and regardless of your family's past you are still close. You all still even when you don't think it like with your brother are a family. Please do not hate me but I care for you Tarasha. I care for you more than I care for myself but I would not feel right for me to hold your life up waiting on me to MAYBE come home. Yes I know no matter what you feel about it. If you don't see it there you should already know I care for you way more. I never cared about how my situation would affect another but I do with you. I know I am going to hurt you but hopefully like I feel we will always be connected as I know we will. Please do not take yourself from my life. Please just understand that this is not a boundry but a logical choice not to set one but to realize the truth of what it takes to be in my life. I know you got it baby but I am not comfortable with having you make that sacrifice. I do care for you deeply and yes I do love you in my little way. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon. Oh with the _____ thing it was because I don't want you to be with anyone who would use you and jepordize not only your freedom but your life also. You deserve much better baby. Much better. 

Tarasha,
Now I feel like shit. I feel like shit because I feel like I don't deserve a great woman who loves me cares for me and doesn't care if I ever walk out of here alive. You know baby you are that dream I have always dreamed. You are that beautiful soul I have always wanted. You are so much I have hoped and prayed for but baby the truth is that now that the time is here I look at myself and realize that I can't do that to you. I can't baby. I don't want to hurt you i don't but the truth is that I will. i will because I understand the pressures and stress that being with me causes. I understand the full total commitment one must take to be with me and that hurts me. It hurts me because that one , that one that is that truth deserves much better than the meager bits I can provide. No I am not talking about material things I am talking about the everyday things a man and a woman share. Sure there would be those times where things are special because they are not as often but all and all those times would become few and few as the fewer things became to routine. I rally am sorry but please don't hurt yourself because I can't get out of my own way with how I feel. I do love you and care for you and that won't change. I just am afraid of never being able to do for you all that I desire myself. All that I desire and all you also desire. Please baby when I say this is not an excuse but what has been hitting me each day I have gotten closer and closer to you. I still know the ab-soul-ute truth of you in my life and i do ab-soul-utly care for you and only want the best in all. I wouldn't be me if I didn't tell you the truth of how I feel. You are an amazing woman and before you speak that self but not amazing enough for me you are. It is just I feel that I am not good enough for you. You are a beautiful woman baby and I don't want you to end up doing this time with me also. This is my burden for my terrible life choices and i could never ask another to do it with me. I now know this. I learned this becoming to be in the begining stages of love with you. I can't do this to a woman I love. Please still talk to me and please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You are stronger than that and you know it.


 I hope that we are still good. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to decide in my life. I really want the best for you and yes like you said in your one letter I am very protective of you. Even from my own self. I know that we will get over this hump because there stil is no doubt that you and I have a very important part in each others life. I will be writing you later but do wish I could call. I am trying to be respectful of everyone and I have hurt too many people I didn't want to as of late. Yes it is hard but my problems are still not as important than to see you smile somehow someway and to let you know that you aren't alone. That you still got me here for you when you need. me. This is all very new to me actuallly truly caring for another before myself and I am trying to go about it the way my heart speaks to me about it. Don't ever forget that I need you in my life too.

Respet and Honor and love,

Teddy Bear

How is it that he said he isn't capable of love...then he somehow loves me this way...Then tells me he has never been IN love. but today on the phone said he is in love with me. He did this to look out for me...I can only love this man more for what he has done for me. At first i thought it was wrong and it upset me. Then i've read and reread it and talked to him on the phone. I understand more now than anything. 
Ellis is my world. I hope that one day he is free. but until then i'll tell anyone that my heart is taken. I cannot be with any other man b/c its not fair to another person that i cannot give my all to anyone but him. 

I wrote this all yesterday (6/22) and I had sent him an email telling him I already considered him my boyfriend. And that we needed to compromise about the whole situation. He must have considered everything I've said b/c I'm now his girlfriend. I couldn't be more happier right now. 
That connection we have is not like anything i've ever had with anyone and he hasn't had it with anyone else either. I know him and i are going to always be in each others lives. This will work out. I know it will b/c i love him and need him in my life. He has helped me with so much in my life already. I already see that he has improved my life and he'll continue to improve it just by being him. 

Personal Development VALUES

Value 
Family
 5
Generosity
 4
Life Purpose
 5
Career
 5
Being Organised
 2
Spirituality
 1
Hobbies
 4
Leisure time
 3
Loyalty
 5
Religion
 1
Health
 5
Forgiveness
 5
Integrity
 5
Independence
 5
Success
 3
Adaptability
 4
Kindness
 5
Safety
 3
Leadership
 2
Financial Security
 5
Community
 2
Hobbies
 4
Sports
 1
Animal Welfare
 4
Having a Positive Attitude
 4
Personal Development
 5
Family Traditions
 5
Intellect
4
Reliability
5
Partner/Relationship
 5
Social Justice
 5
Freedom
 5
Fitness Level
 4
Authenticity
 5
Happiness
 5
Self-Growth
 5
Wealth
 2
Creativity
 4
Strong Work Ethics
 4
Being Dependable
 5
Friends
 5
Healing the Planet
 3
Honesty
 5
Children’s Rights
 5
Peace
 4
Being Flexible
 4
Feelings of Belonging
 5
Good Communication
 5
Responsibility

5

Write down your top 5 values and why they are important to you.

Relationships, Good Communication, Happiness, Independence, Personal Development

Which, of all the values listed, do you spend more time on? 

Relationships and Personal Development

What can you change in your life to align more with your personal values?

Surrond myself with people that have similar values, and that respect my values. 

Links to sites I'm interested in

Discovering yourself.
http://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2006/11/06/discover-yourself-in-twenty-minutes/

Writing Activities
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/08/06/5-ways-to-get-to-know-yourself-better/

Lifes mission
http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/life-on-purpose-15-questions-to-discover-your-personal-mission/


TO PRINT
http://www.personaldevelopmentinsights.com/free-personal-development-worksheets

FREE WORKBOOK
http://www.selfhelpstartshere.com/free-workbook/chapter-three-the-influence-of-generations/exercise-other-influential-people/

Here's To New Beginnings....

Well as all of you know I haven't been on this blog in forever and i haven't even posted in awhile....my life has been boring for quite some time now. But this blog is to say good bye to the old and hello to the new life.

My parents have been wonderful! They have helped me with so much in my life that i don't know where i'd be without them. I cannot thank them enough for being my parents and helping me thru everything that the past has brought into my life. I won't get to see them everyday now. which makes me sad but i also know at 26 i shouldn't be living with them.

SOOOOOOO....I got my own apartment. Thanks to me and my mother being stubborn! I got a beautiful apartment....best thing about this apartment....ITS MINE! no one lives with me i dont have to answer to no man...i pay my own bills and i'm keeping it this way..
i haven't unpacked all the way so i do need to unpack more, and when i'm done unpacking i'll post pics. i'm sure a few more hours of me working it'll be done. at least thats what i'm hoping for!!!

best part of this place is its a secure building, so i dont have to be scared to live alone!

OH AND IM SINGLE AND LOVIN IT

So here's to NEW BEGINNINGS! and hopefully a wonderful life!

Hope everyone is doing good

i'll be writing some more chapters on tarashasstories.blogspot.com
once i'm fully moved in.

Life These days....soo good!

 So I haven't really written about my life since Travis and I broke up. I haven't written about my new relationship. Until now.

  I never thought that someone could make someone "Whole" and i still don't believe it. But i believe that a person can make your life better. He could instantly make you happy just by looking at you. I never thought that I'd get married again. AND I'M NOT ENGAGED! But I could see myself marrying Jayde.
Jayde and I met online..big surprise there! Same site i met Randy, Ronnie, and Jason on. I have told myself I haven't been able to find the right one because i'm blind when it comes to guys at times. But I have always wanted the fairy tale. The endless love, that you see in every romance movie out there. I fall for that sappy stuff all the time! But the day Jayde and I started talking we talked all day long, and that night I asked him if he'd like to meet me. He of course said yes! We met at a local park here in town, it was getting chilly so we came back to my home and spent time together watching a movie. By the end of the night he and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. :) Now on Christmas it'll only be 4 months. But its been the best 4 months of my life so far. We never fight. We never argue. We may disagree but its never a fight. Now with every other man i've been with I would have probably fought with them a million times. But not with Jayde. He is 33 years old. and is a very mature man. He loves me for me. and I love him for him. I'll take the bad with the good...and i haven't found much bad at all. well there is an ex that is pregnant with his baby that i'm not too happy about but that was BEFORE me. but honestly everyone knows I want a family. and another woman having my boyfriends baby any day now hurts me! but its beyond my control. I'm pretty sure that the day she has his daughter i'll cry my eyes out bc its not me. and someone else is getting what i want. But i'm sure one day i'll have that. I have the optimism now. Which i've never had before. I look at our picture and i just feel so much love and happiness. I have a ring around my finger but no its not an engagement ring. it looks like an infinity symbol and in the middle of it has his and my birthstones. and engraved inside of it is Jayde&Sha I won't ever take it off until there is another ring to replace it. the one thing that i hate is his birthstone is my ex husbands lol. its funny bc they may share the same astro sign but they dont act anything alike. Jayde and i did break up for about 2 days. because of things that i'm not too proud of. he wanted me to get my life together before we continued dating. he saw that i was serious about wanting to have a good life with him.
I believe that i'm getting the life i've always wanted. its just the beginning but its a beautiful thing so far. I love him immensely. I hope he feels the same. I know he loves me but i believe i may love him more. without him i wouldnt be having a good life right now. and i wouldn't be happy sober. Can it be real that i'm actually getting what i've always wanted? the true fairy tale kind of love. the love you see in romance movies can never compare to the love i feel for him. My boyfriend is amazing! and the sex...omg! lol had to add that.

So now that i'm in one of the greatest relationships i've ever been in i need to get other parts of my life together. Like at tax time my boyfriend and i have been talking about moving in together. When thinking about that I told myself that i don't need a piece of paper telling me that the man and i love are going to be together forever. i told him that living with him, would make me happier than getting married. why? bc most people dont take the vows seriously these days. but i also talked to Jayde about my fascination with wedding vows in movies. and if we ever take the plunged then i'm writing my own vows. bc the first time i did traditional vows and my husband never took them seriously. i want something more personal and more meaningful than the vows that ppl take everyday. hell i've been thinking about weddings a lot lately. i think every night i dream about marrying him. and i've never been THAT girl!
So i'm completely in love. and i'm completely happy with where my life is headed these days. i've told Jayde i want him to be the last man i ever kiss, that he is the one i want to grow old with. nobody else.


NOW
since its the holiday season i've been thinking about past relationships. my failed marriage. my failed engagement. the two adorable kids from two exs that called me mommy. and i must say I miss a lot of things.
Like the feeling of being with the man you love in your own home on christmas morning...knowing theres no other place you rather be.
being woke up to by a 3 yr old yelling mommy mommy wake up!-GREGORY MOMMY MISSES YOU!
I messaged Jason's ex wife to see how Gabby is doing. turns out she is doing great! and jason is a dead beat that was supposed to get his daughter and has other plans so he isn't getting her. if i'm with someone that has a kid i tell them to make their children a priority over me. bc thats how its supposed to be. Jayde has a 9 yr old boy. who i haven't met yet. but i'm sure i will soon bc i do have to give him his xmas gift. and he has one on the way...
I've been thinking about where my life would be if my marriage hadn't failed b/c of the abuse and his cheating. And what if Jason and I worked out where would we be right now? and Travis-that man is no good for anyone. i miss the good times i had with all my exs! but then again who doesn't look back and reflect on life? But then again i see myself thinking about my exs then thinking about how AMAZING my life is with someone who loves me, understands me, compliments me, gets my humor and we can just lay in bed holding each other in silence and i dont feel the need to fill the silence with him like i did with so many exs. I haven't seen my man in days...he has been sick :( i'm hoping that he gets better soon and i'm hoping we see each other soon too. i need my Jayde time.....
i'm done talking my ass off now!


Oh and Randy sweetheart- I hope your having a good life as a truck driver. lmao knew you'd never amount to anything and i hope your paying your child support if you can lay in bed with someone and make a child you should take care of that child for the REST OF ITS LIFE! Her mother didn't deserve what you did to her. or her daughters. and you might like to know that her and i talk! its nice knowing that after all the shit we both talked about each other she now knows i was right about you!

TO ALL MY FRIENDS OUT THERE HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

OH AND TO GLENN AND AMANDA HESS 7 MORE WEEKS UNTIL YOUR BABY IS DUE!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE PICTURES! I'm so glad that I met you both and that we are still friends to this day. it means the world to me that i have friends like you Amanda!

TEMPTATIONS

I'm writing what was going to be a short story but by the time i'm done with it i think it'll be a book!
I started it on the 10th and in a matter of days its gotten over 500 views! I have several people saying its better than shades of gray...and begging for the next chapters...
So heres the link. remember to go to chapter 1 and read from there

TarashasStories.blogspot.com

Comments are welcome!

Just an update on me!

TarashasStories.blogspot.com

Thats my other blog I'm writing a story and thats where its posted. I've had many readers saying they loved it so everyday i post a new chapter/part. its there for your enjoyment comments are welcome


So I'm back living with my parents, i'm looking for my own place. I'm dating a new guy, Jayde.
Yes i love him. Yes i know we haven't been together very long but i plan on being with him for a very long time. I don't have much else to say right now i'm talking a friend on the phone but i'll post on here more often.
i love my friends...and i love you Jayde

Live and learn

So Travis and i are over. why? well a lot of things were working against us. first off i kinda flipped out and pushed him and he called the cops and i went to jail. then the courts put a no contact order on us and i violated it several times. so i went back to jail a total of 4 times. this last time Travis could not handle my crazy family and we thought it would be best for our son not to be subjected to the drama on a daily basis. We are still friends. theres no hard feelings there. it was more of a mutual agreement. My family didn't like him so its better this way. But we are still friends i still do love him i'm not going to lie. i still have feelings there. plus his son always called me mommy and i would do anything for that little boy. he is my son. i'm hoping i can see him soon. i miss him so much.

I'm now single....but as we all know i'm never single too long. but i'm focusing on me for now.
Talking to someone. but he works nights so i either have to stay up all night to talk to him or i'll miss him all together. I've known him for years and i've had a crush on him for years i just never told him but he knows now. i'm hoping on his day off we can get together. fingers crossed.

life is good. its nice to be able to be around family without the drama. and without being told who i should and shouldn't date.

I dyed my hair Sangria red...its a cute ass color and i'm doing blonde highlights in it soon. i figured i'm starting a new life so i'm ready for a new me.

Now its time to get off of here my cell is blowing up....oh but before i leave.

Randy- Stop posting comments we are divorced now i'm tired of your comments. we have nothing to talk about. your the one that fucked up our marriage not me. and considering i totaled your blue car i think i got revenge not even meaning to. and your the one that has to pay it off not me. b/c its your loan not mine...i bet you wish you would have put me on the loan! your just pissed off that i got away from you and i'm not looking back. trust and believe theres never a time where i actually think of you. except when i get comments from you. i know your living in wilmington...stay up there don't bother coming to new lex. b/c i'm sure if you came anywhere near me i'm sure things would be taken care of. plus i still have a protection order against you. you just leaving comments could get you in trouble. so go ahead keep it up i dare you.

Part of a journal i'm starting...

Dear heart,
I know I have put you through a lot in such a short amount of time.
I always believed i had to open my heart up and then something good may come of it.
Lately it seems like i'm always breaking you. Is there even a small possibility that your still mending and can love again? I hope so. Or at least when i find someone that won't hurt me or you like every other guy has.
I was told we were taking a break but i believe everyone knows that means the guy can barely say its over in fears he'll actually break us both. Travis had to power to make or break me. i'm still on the fence, will thinkgs calm down then mawe could be together. but i swear to you miss heart...i'm not going to open up for just anyone anymore. you cant take it anymore. I'm not going to just be with someone to feel an intimate relationship with. I want you to be mended and happy. for me to be happy it would be with Travis. but you may not have to get hurt anymore. if you stop beating then we wont have to worry about any of it.
I wamt Trav back.
He made me feel like i was always beautiful. He made me feel like i was worth something. now without him what am i? We had our ups and downs and yes lately a lot of downs. Not with the courts saying we cant be together. I'm praying to my god that this is all over with. and that we can be togehter  legally.
I don't just want you back i want my son back. i want my family. i want that life we had when it was good.
I cant do without either of you i dont want to and i shouldn't have to.
to me its not over. we were meant to be together for a reason please just come home.
MY HEART CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE.

Oh please!!

So Randy commented, I haven't posted it b/c its stupid but he called me a dirty ass? really b/c the NAVY MADE YOU TAKE SHOWERS THERE B/C YOU STUNK ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION! plus, I've never been homeless...I'm so much better without your ass and i'm happy this way!

A short update-
Well as you all know Jason went to jail for Domestic Violence against me. Well they dropped it down to disorderly conduct and he got a $100 fine. plus court costs. So that ended that relationship.

Now I'm with Travis...The love of my life.
I've known him since 2005, met thru an ex boyfriend who is his best friend to this day.
In 5 days we'll be together for 3 months. Its been a fun ride since the beginning.
I have a 3 year old son, Gman. (nickname) His mother is not in the picture b/c of drugs. so he has never known any woman to be his mother except for me. I love both my boys with everything that i have.

I went to jail saturday night...took too many of my Bipolar meds. I don't remember destroying my own house. but i did. I got out tuesday night Wednesday morning. It felt good to be free.
I cant be around travis or gregory until the courts are done with the case. I don't remember anything that night. people had to tell me what happened. So since all that happened i'm completely and utterly not wanting to abuse meds again. i learned my lesson.
Travis and i will be together. when its clear that we are allowed to be again. a love like ours just doesn't die over night. i'm so thankful to have him and Gman in my life. i'm more in love with him than i've ever been with anyone. i started writing poetry again. i stopped due to my EX husband :D love the ex part. and now everyday i'm inspired more.

Randy- Sweetie you still have to pay for a car that was totaled. you still have to pay the credit card bills, the lake gray bills....i think the judge stuck it to your ass pretty damn good. i don't want or need your money. besides i think jennifer deserves your money for the kid you had with her that you abandoned. Stop posting comments they just make me laugh at your dumb ass!

FINALLY!!!

I'M FINALLY DIVORCED!!! LAST NAME IS BACK TO HALE....AND NOW I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT ON MY BLOG!
no more news other than that..but from now on i'm going to be realer than real.
i dont have to hide my life anymore. or parts of it.

Livin' the WONDERFUL life!

So as all of you know Jason and I are over. He pushed me and i wasn't having it. Called the cops and he got what he deserved. Now he is trying to sleep with my so called best friend...whom is no longer a friend. plus he sleeps with her he'll get something. Just saying!

So I've known Travis Eppley since 2005.  I met him thru my boyfriend at the time. I look back now and think i had to go thru that relationship and every other relationship until i could be ready for Travis. We've been together  for less than a month. but since we've known each other forever I already am so in love with him I'd die without him. He does have full custody of his son. Gregory. Now Gmans birth mother is not in the picture. Never has been. So I'm his mommy now. he calls me mommy and my day just lights up. Gman is mommys little man.
I started a journal for Gregory so later on in his life he can read it and see what happened back then (now) and he'll see that Mommy loves him so much. I started one for Travis and I also. about the ups and downs in our relationship.

When Trav and I got together we said all in or nothing...b/c he had a son and if i was going to be with travis he was a package deal. He gave me what i always wanted. a FAMILY. and a LOVE NOT COMPARABLE TO ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH!

ok so i know some people had issues with Jasons daughter calling me mom, i know why b/c she already had a mom and i wasn't taken her place. but With Gregory its different he has never had a mother figure in his life. and i will be his mother for the rest of my life. even if Trav and i break up i'm getting visitation. b/c he is not going to put that boy in my life then rip him away.
I'm more in love with Travis than i've ever been with anyone in my entire life. No one is comparable to him.  I sometimes try to compare my exs to him and they just don't match up! at all. Travis is so much better.
and my life with him....well its amazing. We live together. We are happy to just be together. and have a family together.

My life couldn't get better.

Well heres the breaking news..my 8mth relationship is over!
He stole pills from me, He stole money, He broke my heart, he pushed me...he went to jail, he cannot contact me, he has contacted me...he picked his stuff up, he tried to play with my heart, the end.
AND MY DIVORCE WILL BE FINALIZED IN LESS THAN 30 DAYS!
not hard to explain. And i really do not need to  go into details. But its all over with now. Just a couple court dates then its all over.

I got a new man now...shocker....I've known him since 2005, met thru an ex boyfriend and kept in touch via FB
I saw him on POF and sent him a message on FB...he called me and now here we are living together...his son lives with us at all times. He doesn't have a mother (long story and its not my story to tell) But now i'm his mommy..I love my life now. I love how everything is and i wouldnt change it...we live together :) so i wake up next to him every morning hearing mommy being yelled at by little man.
I just wouldn't changed anything in my life. i have a great man and a great son. its just a perfect life.
Travis is 30 so he is much more mature than all these other guys. He has to take care of his son 24/7 without receiving child support. he is a great man. couldn't ask for someone better!
i gtg now Gregory is home and he has been gone all day b/c my mom took him and now that we have him back mommy is going to spend time with the little man!

2012

2012 is starting out to be an amazing year!
I feel bad for those who have already had a bad year in many ways...I have literally warned you about Randy, yet you said i'm psycho and all this other crap...now look you have a baby with him and he isn't anywhere to be found...its a shame really.

2012 is a great year...for reasons i cannot say yet. but its something BIG! HUGE! I'm finding school to be fun again...and my life is just amazing...its filled with friends, family and love all the time. Only thing i hate is my step daughter is not around. Gabby i miss you, princess! Life is great for me. I don't have to worry about my estranged husband. I don't have to worry about anyone else bothering me! Its just great. I cannot believe that i'm at that point in my life that life seems to just be coming together and at an amazing pace....

I gtg now i have class and i need to get there so i'm not late....i'm glad i don't live too far from campus!

Divorce pre trial

Well the judge didn't like that Randy didn't show up in court.
He is so ordered to get the car payments up to date. and pay it off...I get it in the divorce.
He is also ordered to pay the spousal support, and the medical bills.

 Now, I would have thought that Randy would have taken court seriously.
But he didn't. I cannot wait that my name will be returned to HALE.
I'm moving on with my life. FINALLY!
Thank you for not showing up Randy. You really gave me a great christmas gift!
Happy Holidays!
Your EX WIFE...
Oh and miss jennifer...as i see it your daughter with my now husband is my step daughter...b/c i'm married to him...my friends loved the fact that you rub it in that u had my husbands baby....but since i'm married to him thats my step daughter legally.

Fun times with friends

Jason Putting up our tree...It was comical to watch! I'll post a pic of the tree finished soon.

Last night we had friends over. We had a good time playing cranium. Bonnie and I kicked the boys' ass!

Here are some pics from last night

Bonnie my best friend! shes more like my sister!

The Crew...Jason, Tasha, Bonnie, Brandon, and Ray

Ray...he was drinking

Bonnie after we kicked some ass!

Brandon...He hates his pic taken

Bonnie and her man Ray

Bonnie and her other man Edward LOL

So now onto the blog you've all been waiting for...

I learned who my friends are. We went out to get our mail today and our xmas card was opened up. and the person who did it left a beer bottle in the mailbox...and i know who was drinking a bottle of budlight. So needless to say I do not think that person will be invited back here anytime soon. PLUS, they thought it would be funny to take my 6ft cardboard Edward and put him outside...so since the disrespected me i kicked them all out...it was about 3:30am so it was time for the party to be over anyways. I felt like a bitch tho. But i have house rules and if people don't follow them then they  are not welcome in my home.

Jason brought me home blue and white flowers yesterday...and he spelled out i love you with candles...how sweet right? heres the flowers...he got them b/c he knew they were my favorite color.

For some reason it won't rotate...

List challenge...

Sorry I haven't updated in like a day! lol seems so long hasn't it?
i'm doing two list challenges tonight

1.      Ways you calm yourself down when you’re angry

  -listen to music

  -Write

  -Talk to my best friend

  -Talk to Jason

  -take a walk

  -Take a drive

  -think of the things i'm grateful for

  -think of what i have that others don't 

- 

 Things you still want to do in life

- Have children

-Get married to the greatest man on earth

  Buy a home 

  Start my own business 

  Have a successful business

  buy my dream vehicle

  Start a blog about whats really going on in my life....with no editing....i edit b/c i have to

  Do a project 365 with photos

  Take a photo of myself everyday for a year

  Change my circumstances.

  Better myself. in different ways 

  I love myself but i would like to lose weight for my wedding

  make sure my friends and family know what they really mean to me.

 ....i'm sure theres more but i'm going to go cook dinner and get ready for someone to come home.